Vanity

I am a vain woman.  You probably wouldn't think so...I'm overweight, I don't color my graying hair, I dress for comfort more than fashion...but I am a vain woman.

I just spent two (or more) hours sobbing.  Not crying, sobbing.  Why?

I lost a front tooth.  I have no dental insurance.  I'm supposed to give a speech on Tuesday.

I have been losing teeth for years.  I try to take care of them, but I have bad teeth.   With no dental insurance, when a tooth has had a major problem the cheapest and only recourse has been to remove them.  My upper teeth are dentures.  I only have eight real teeth left on the bottom.  I've had my upper plate for twenty years, the same set...and now a front tooth has fallen out.  The denture is failing.

This is embarrassing beyond words.  Humiliating.  To be without my teeth.  I have over the top (at least I hope they are over the top) irrational fears...my friends will be disgusted and abandon me.  My children will be embarrassed of me.  No one will believe me that I really have/do try to take care of my teeth if they know they aren't real (lots of dental shame).

I think I may be able to get the front tooth thing repaired, but the reality is that I need a new set of dentures and I can't afford them.  I need the tooth fairy to help me find a dentist who does charity work, but I know that I'm not worthy.

So I have to face the possibility of being in public at some point without my teeth...and I don't think that I can handle it.  And what's weird and sad?  I'm not worrying about not being able to eat, I already have limitations on what I can eat, no, it's all the vanity thing and feeling that people will be disgusted and not want to be my friends anymore.

Damn...still not done crying.

Robin Redbreast

If you are reading this it means that I have taken a step of surrender, or possibly, one of personal growth - I'm not sure yet. And it is a step I owe to an unusual source: a red-breasted robin with a crewcut.

I had surgery a few months ago that left me unable to type for any length of time, unable to work my normal job or pursue my normal hobbies, especially writing at a keyboard. So I decided to throw myself into my spiritual studies. I've been working with two teachers, one Druidic, and one a Merlin. The Merlin set me to reading, the Druid set me to connecting with nature and further incorporating Spirit into my daily life.

I combined the two by frequently spending my study and meditation sessions on my own front porch. Communing with the trees and critters who live closest to me while absorbing book after book.

One of my most reliable visitors was Robin. Robin is very distinctive. He has a crewcut crest. He perches on my chain-link fence and chirps to me. Over time, he has come closer and closer. We have gotten much better at understanding each other. Now he will even sing on request.

Yesterday, Robin flew straight at the porch - screaming a warning. He stopped at one of the overhanging maple branches, continued to screen directly at me, jumped closer, screamed again, and then flew to the neighbor's porch roof and yelled at me from there before flying away. I couldn't figure out what he was warning me about.

15 minutes later I received news over the phone that my temporary condition might not be temporary and the loss of my normal job and hobbies might be permanent. I couldn't help but feel that Robin had somehow been preparing me for the news. I spent the evening with friends. I was telling the friends about Robin when one of them related something that he had seen, earlier that evening at the gathering, a robin fly straight towards me and land on a fence nearby, but that I had not noticed him. I decided that this might not be a coincidence. So when I got home I looked up the symbology of robin on the Internet. Let me share what I found with you now:

The Robin Redbreast: (unattributed)

The robin redbreast is a bird of Spring, a time of new growth and new beginnings. It flies into our lives on the winds of change asking us to weed our personal gardens and plant new seeds for our future. Rebirth and renewal require changes in all areas of life that have become stagnant and outdated. The robin redbreast teaches us how to make these changes with joy in our hearts. Its song is a happy one reminding us to let go of our personal drama and learn to laugh with life. If this medicine is underdeveloped those with this totem are continually challenged by the prospects of change. Difficulties arise and emotional discord can surface. Learning how to release our attachments to the old is one of life's lessons the redbreast helps us master.

This bird packs a powerful punch. It holds strong significance in ancient myth and lore. One legend had its origins in European mythology, in which the bird of Spring was associated with the new year as represented a divine sacrifice and the rebirth of Spirit.

In medieval Europe the robin redbreast was often depicted attending the Christ child, an emblem of the passion to come. It was told how, at that fateful hour, it was the tiny Robin who flew to Jesus' crown of thorns, striving valiantly to pluck the spines away with his beak. Unfortunately the bird succeeded only in tearing his own breast on the thorns. Ever since then it was thought that all robins wore red feathers on their bosoms as a badge of honor. A robin redbreast is a bird of divine service. Those with this totem often have past life ties to the Christ energy.

The red coloring of the robins chest is linked to the kundalini in man. This life force lives coiled up with in the base of the spine. When sufficient spiritual growth has been attained it uncoils, rising up the spine to create heightened awareness. This process enhances psychic vision which leads us into enlightenment. Those with this medicine are dedicated spiritual seekers. Growth can be slow and arduous. With patience, compassion and proper focus spiritual ideals are achieved.

Robins lay powder blue eggs. This is the color associated with the throat chakra in man. It is also linked to heavenly inspiration. Because the throat chakra's main function is to express the will of God and the egg is symbolic of new life, this helpful little totem teaches us how to assert the creative will of God in all we do. It leads us into new beginnings without fear by restoring faith with in our hearts.

Now I found this Robin totem information interesting especially in light of the reading that I'd been doing lately. Let me give you a list of the books that I've been reading:
· The Hidden Side of Freemasonry by C. M. Leadbetter
· The Second Messiah
· Druid Priestess
· The Templar Revelation
· The Secret Teachings Of All Ages By Manly Hall
· Becoming The Enchanter
· Holy Blood Holy Grail
· The Woman With The Alabaster Jar

Given that I am a pagan you may find some of these books rather odd. Some of them were assigned by my Merlin, some by my Druid, and some just seemed to lead to one another. All of them deal with the Sacred Feminine. They also deal with the lives of people throughout history who have led their lives in accordance with their beliefs regardless of their personal circumstances.

And so it is that Robin has led me to focus on solutions rather than my problem. It may be that I may never be to type with both hands again. My ability to participate in on-line discussions may forever be somewhat limited compared to past participation. But if you are reading this document, it means that I am working with Robin energy and using voice recognition software. As the totem information said, "Growth can be slow and arduous. With patience, compassion and proper focus spiritual ideals are achieved. "

This is been a surprisingly difficult for me. Anyone who knows me knows that I am resistant to change. So I am looking forward to sitting on my porch and conversing with Robin and allowing him to teach me "how to make these changes with joy in my heart" so that I will be able to fully live my life in accordance with my beliefs regardless of my personal circumstances.

It is an Eight of Cups moment for me...I begin my walk into the unknown with a Robin perched on my shoulder.

Earth Alive

I have been giving a great deal of thought to Earth as Alive. Not just alive in the sense of populated by living things and beings, but as a total living organism in the last few months.

As a pagan, this is not a new concept to me. I’ve always felt a connection to Nature, always been fascinated by theories and hypothesis of Earth as living organism or even as a sentient being – whether in scientific studies or in fiction. I’ve had a somewhat superficial head and heart relationship with Nature since my early teens in the 1970’s when the Gaia theories were first being published.

But lately I find myself digging deeper. Doing more than just “acting as if until…” – recycling, trying to be an earthwise consumer, living softly on the planet, etc. I’m thinking more, doing more about my actual _relationship_ with Gaia. Defining what that means for myself as an urban pagan.

I found the following quote in an online article:

"If Gaia is an important spiritual idea for our time, then we must remember that a spiritual idea is not something we think about but something that inhabits and shapes us. It is like a strand of DNA, organizing and energizing our lives. A spiritual idea is not just another bit of data to be filed away. It is incarnational in a profound way, coming alive only when incorporated (made flesh) in our lives through work, practice, effort, skill, and reflection. It becomes part of the foundation and the architecture of our lives. Being a new icon for worship is not enough. Invoking the spirit of Gaia is insufficient unless we understand just how we shape and participate in that spirit, and how we in turn are shaped and participated in by it." - By David Spangler _The Meaning of Gaia_ http://www.context.org/ICLIB/IC24/Spangler.htm

I don’t want to _worship_ Gaia – I want to live in _relationship_ with Gaia. Living my life in response that honors her existence and doesn’t just take her for granted. Live in a way that recognizes Gaia/Earth in my life the way I do a sister, a best friend, a lover. Caring for her when she is unwell, celebrating her when she looks wonderful, doing for her what she can’t do for herself, checking in with her on a regular basis, making love to her with my words and deeds. Thinking of her first. I don’t want dominion over her, I want to walk hand in hand with her, metaphorically speaking.

Earth/Gaia *is* alive. And we are One. All is One. Science comes closer and closer to verifying what my heart has always known. We make Gaia flesh through our own response to awareness of her aliveness. And she in turn makes us whole.

Other links I found interesting on the Gaia Theories:

http://www.gaianet.fsbusiness.co.uk/gaiatheory.html
http://www.mkzdk.org/twitcher/gaiacosm.html
http://www.caw.org/articles/theagenesis.html
http://www.ozi.com/ourplanet/gaia.html

Wiccan Rede: The SHORT version! 

To Rede or Not to Rede

Debate over the Wiccan Rede within my local Pagan community is one reason why I no longer label myself "Wiccan", but instead "Witch". I teach a tradition that has foundations in Wicca, but it is not Wiccan in that we do not follow the Rede as a Rule nor teach the Rule of Three.

I don't consider myself Wiccan because it is impossible to totally adhere to the Rede. It is impossible to live a life that harms none. And I do believe as a responsible witch that there are times when it is appropriate to cause harm. And the Rule of Three is just so problematic that I don't teach it*as* the Rule of Three, but as a rule of attraction.

I do ask students to study the Rede. Why? Because in studying and debating the Rede I hope to bring about an understanding of conscious living. Self-responsibility for the life choices we make. Goodness, I harm others every time I drive my car! Does that mean I don't drive my car? Of course not, but it does mean that I seek employment that is closer to home, one that would gives me other transportation options. It also means that I am more conscious of WHAT I drive and keeping it as well-tuned and maintained as possible to do as little harm as possible. I am conscious of my choice to work where I do and the drive to get there.

It is impossible to "harm none", so I try to do as little harm as possible, and to take responsibility when I do harm. "Harm none" is an excellent way to guide my life and living this way helps to keep me conscious. Makes "recycle / reuse / return" more than just a bumpersticker. Makes TAG ("Thou art God/dess") more than just a fun "in" acronym between SIASL ("Stranger in a Strange Land" by Robert Heinlein) fans.

One side effect of the awareness of choice is self-empowerment. "I had no choice!" is rarely totally true. Our choices may be severely limited, but there is always a choice. Knowing that I made one, even a bad one, or one I didn't like, empowers me. I see the "Rule of Three" more as a rule of attraction, or simply put, what you put out into the universe is what you draw to yourself. I can't prove it, other than through personal experience and observation.

But since the Rede is such a Wiccan cornerstone, and since I use it as an ethical guideline and not a rule, I no longer label myself Wiccan. I am a Witch and a Seeker.

Wheel as Life Guide

January of a new calendar year. For many pagans, Wiccans in particular, this is just another spoke on the Wheel. Every autumn the new calendars come out: standard twelve months beginning with January, or the newer eighteen-month versions more befitting the academic cycle. Linear.

The year I follow is more cyclical, fluid, refusing the fit the rectangular twelve month cycle of the standard calendar makers. I follow the moon. I follow the seasons. Continuously rolling like a Wheel. I listen to the earth and sky and let them tell me where we are on the Wheel. I invite them each day to continue to teach me about living a Wheel life versus a calendar life.

How did I first move from a calendar to a Wheel life? It was a particularly dark time in my journey. A chaotic, frightening, bleak period which coincided with an unusually cold sunless Winter. January of the new calendar year arrived and yet nothing felt new. I had thrown away the old calendar, yet everything from the previous calendar year had followed me into what was being celebrated as new.

I remember arriving at the office of a friend. She had stopped on her way into work to purchase a planter of forced Daffodil bulbs. It was a riot of bright yellow on strong deep green stalks in a window reflecting the grey icy sunless world outside. And it hit me like a blast of fresh air, Spring always follows Winter.

Sounds simple, right? Somehow, in the depression of my Soul Winter, I had forgotten the simple truth that Spring always following Winter. What I was experiencing on a soul level had a cycle that reflected that of nature. Spring would follow the Winter of my soul. Joy would come again.

Nature continued its odd coincidental mirroring of the state of my soul as the ice melted and the earliest Spring watery sunshine washed the grey skies. I headed for a local park to search for physical signs of Spring. I paid attention to my dreams and journal entries for signs of the Soul Spring. I journaled quite a bit on the cycles of my life and nature’s cycle and found myself the Wheel. I made peace with the reality that there will be Winter times of my soul, just as there will Spring, Summer and Fall.

Now I journey with the Wheel and the twelve-month calendars mean little to me. Spring follows Winter with it’s newness, fresh-beginnings and signs of hope and renewal. Summer follows Spring with ripening, celebrations and heightened sexuality. Fall follows Summer with harvest, stewardship and roots. Winter follows Fall, turning inward, community and home crafts. And it turns and turns and turns…never ending. No new year, but a continuing journey to Self, to Community and to Diety. A Wheel way of life.

True Will

What is "True Will" and how do you determine what your "True Will" is?

"True Will" is a term used by Aleister Crowley to describe being in harmony with the will of the Higher Self. It is often referred to as the task, or path you are meant to fulfill in this lifetime.

A quote I have written in my Journal (unattributed, I'm afraid): "True will transcends fear, hesitancy, indecision, impedance, and even morality. One who does his or her true will may seem good or may seem evil, but will have the quality of momentum and seeming inevitability to his or her actions."

Determining what your True Will is can be tougher. For me it required shadow work to break through the layers of Self to come to the Truth of who I AM and what I am meant to do in this lifetime. And I still "reality-check" this with my teachers and guides on a regular basis, because the Ego is ever-present - sometimes needing checking, and sometimes needing rebuilding.

Personally, I find the experience of discovering one's True Will to be a humbling experience - as it is often simple, and not grandiose. Much like doing a past-life recall and finding out you weren't the pharaoh, but the stable mucker. In my journey it lead to a great sense of personal peace and clarity.

Some may choose to do this shadow work in the professional setting of therapy, while others may turn to journaling, oracle work, meditation, or a combination of all of the above. The point is to the find the common the thread that binds all areas of your life, a theme, if you will. Once recognized and acknowledged, all future decisions are aligned with this theme - or at the very least, not counter-productive to it. This is being in harmony with your True Will.

DragonFey & Brian 

All Acts of Pleasure Are My Rites

I was showing friends the photos from the Samhain party at a dear friend's home. It was a costume party and most of the photos were humorous. But there was
one, one of myself as Mother Nature and my son as Jesus, dancing. My head is thrown back and I am laughing in sheer joy. The onlooker commented, "Geez, just how drunk were you?"

Drunk?

I thought quickly, could I possibly explain my joy in that moment? Surrounded by my dearest loved ones, in a place where I feel totally accepted, dancing to the live music of one of my favorite bands with a son I once feared lost to me?

How, even more than that, how that entire evening became, for me, a sacred religious expression of joy and community, of family? One that throughout which I was both Priestess and child, conscious of operating on both the mundane and the spiritual simultaneously.

I recently came across a section in the book Druid Priestess
by Emma Restall Orr that I'd like to share
here:

'Druidcraft might be described as the spirituality of the
uninhibited child expressed through the mentality of the responsible adult. It's about finding the freedom to feel pure joy, which I believe is our essential state.'

And she continues further on:

'I could explain about the exhilaration that shivers through every cell, the sense of freedom and certainty that comes without a drop of alcohol. How, instead of escaping from the 'real' world, it gives a way of experiencing its beauty and its reality more intensely, of tapping into its extraordinary wells of inspiration. I wanted to talk about relationships, about connecting without the masks and inhibitions of our protective decisions, about reaching out for the gods and spirits of the land, reaching out to our loved ones as our true self, in honesty. About being unchained.

Yes. This clearly defines my experience of that evening. Was it so for the rest of the attendees? For some, maybe. For others, it was just a party.

We each walk this path alone, joining with others as we go,
sometimes formally in rites, more often having our spiritual connections alone. All acts of pleasure are the rites of the Goddess; every breath, every action taken, sacred if we are but aware. I find the Divine in all things, in all situations, All is One. My circle is always cast.

I only have to look at that photo to emotionally relive the spiritual connections I felt that night with my community, my family, the devas and spirits of that home, and the gods I serve.

Drunk? No. Uninhibited? Oh, yes. As only the totally safe and loved can be.